


Sexuality Analysis

by alseesky



Category: bare: A Pop Opera - Hartmere/Intrabartolo
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-08-20 02:58:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20220670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alseesky/pseuds/alseesky
Summary: This basically an informal essay that was just written in order for me to develop Peter's sexuality and character further, so keep reading if that’s something you’d like to see.





	Sexuality Analysis

It's pretty common to hear the phrasing that someone "always knew they were gay". The merits of saying that are pretty clear, it's a lot harder to write something off as some symptom from the confusion of being a teenager. Peter didn't always know, but when you looked back on it, there was no denying. At the time, he couldn't tell you what was so fascinating about Prince Eric, or why he didn't like the way Sally White pressed her lips against his cheek in the second grade for Valentine's Day.

He did, however, know there was something there, something that his Dad didn't like. Every time something had happened, like the time Peter kissed another boy's scraped knee at the playground better, or when he'd spent too long playing at his Mom's makeup table. He never understood the words his Dad hissed towards his Mom, on how their son was turning into a 'sissy'. But he knew they meant something bad, because his Dad no longer wanted to play catch with him outside, and his Mom was suddenly too busy to let Peter do her make-up.

After his dad had left, Peter's mom sent him to St. Cecilia's, something about how now with there only being one adult in the house she needed to work longer hours, and it was the best place for Peter to be, especially with his father willing to go half on tuition. But Peter knew there was something else there, that they had been hoping that something would change in Peter.

Then comes along Jason McConnell.

When Peter started at St. Cecilia's, he was less than thrilled to have a roommate. He'd gone his whole life without sharing his space, and the idea of having to get dressed in front of a stranger was not really appealing in any situation. But he couldn't help himself from smiling as he met those blue eyes for the first time with a firm handshake.

By seventh grade, Peter had his first best friend. They'd save seats for each other at lunch, and Jason always made sure to pick Peter for his team in gym class. However, in eighth grade, looking back on it, it's impossible to not see something between the two. It started off with sitting a little too close together in the library, or hugging just a couple seconds too long after Jason won a game. And then there was holding hands underneath the lunch table, Jason's fingers lacing through his and squeezing his hand gently because that was just what was comfortable for them. It didn't mean anything when Peter found himself praying a little longer at night, or the guilt settling on his shoulders during mass. But then again, how couldn't it have?

Everything clicks into place freshman year. Puberty was sure a work of magic, judging by how well Jason was now filling out his school blazer with his newly found broad shoulders. Their first kiss could hardly be called that, because it was over as soon as it happened, no more than a mere brush of lips, but it still left Peter reeling and confused when Jason spat out some excuse that he had to Nadia's to help with homework, the door shutting in Peter's face in seconds. Jason avoiding him became the new normal, and Peter waking up with a tent in his pyjama pants did too. It became impossible for Peter to not stare at Jason's body as he got changed, no matter how immoral he knew he was becoming. Something drew him to Jason- even if he wasn't proud of it.

By the time April had drawn around, Peter was getting pretty tired of Jason's vanishing act, but when he finally brought it up the day before spring break, he was answered with Jason's lips pressed against his once more. It was different this time, the way Jason's hand was cupped around the back of his neck. He seemed surer of himself than he did months before. When they broke apart and Jason began to apologize, all Peter could do was kiss him again.

Jason helped Peter feel more sure of himself with all the time they'd spent together. They were officially boyfriend-and-boyfriend by June, sharing parts of themselves with each other that no one had yet to see. Their relationship was secret, and at the time, that's all they needed it to be. The world didn't need to know if you didn't know yet yourself. But Peter knew he was gay. He couldn't say out loud (unless in prayer), but he understood what it meant- that if he was a boy who liked other boys, that's what he was.

Tension rose in senior year. As Peter became more and more okay with who he was, Jason seemed to be falling behind. When Peter finally got up the courage to ask Jason to come home with him to come out, Jason broke things off. Peter didn't believe it was a fairytale- he could be okay with being himself. It was clear that Jason wasn't. He came out to his mom over the phone, too scared to do it in person, and his mom never even let him get the words out. He no longer had his mom, and the one boy he shared his secret with was no longer in the picture.

Watching Jason collapse on stage during the play was one of the worst things that he'd ever felt. Moments before, Jason was backstage convincing Peter they could still have the chance, at least, that's what he'd thought it was (he'd later realized it was Jason's way of saying goodbye). Maybe if things had been different, if Peter hadn't told Matt about them after Ivy's birthday, or Matt didn't out Jason in front of their classmates. If Peter had stayed behind when Jason asked. If they never broke up. If Peter didn't push so hard in the first place- if Jason never slept with Ivy. There were so many catches, so many "what-ifs", probably more than Peter would ever realize. One thing was certain, however, was that the first boy he'd ever loved was dead.

He gave his forgiveness to Father (whether he deserved it or not), because that's what Jason had been looking for from him himself, forgiveness for being the way he was. Peter gave Father his forgiveness for not understanding that they loved each other like anyone else loves one another because the guilt didn't rest on Father Flynn's shoulders alone, it was so many different things, like the ideologies they were taught in mass, the lessons they learned from their parents (like how kissing boy's scraped knee at the playground was wrong), or a little too much wine in a church pew.

Peter knew his mom knew. He finally felt acceptance when she squeezed his hand at the funeral, her lips pursed tight as she gazed at her son. He knew it was okay when he'd finally told her once they were sitting across the table from each other at home and she took him in her arms for and told him so.

It took a while, but Peter was finally okay with who he was. Even if no one else was. He owed it to himself (and Jason, along with everyone else who never got where he was) to be.


End file.
